There's no guidebook for this. No cultural script, no family precedent, no friend who did it that you can call on a Tuesday afternoon when you're staring at a sperm bank profile trying to decide if the way this man described his childhood tells you what you need to know.
And yet women choose sperm donors every day — thoughtfully, carefully, with more reflection than most people bring to almost any decision. The process forces a kind of clarity about what you actually value, what you're hoping to pass on, and what matters to you in the foundation of a new person.
This is the guide that will walk you through it — practically, without judgment, with the honesty that the process deserves.
The Basic Structure of Sperm Banks
Sperm banks screen donors extensively before they're accepted into donor pools. Standard screening includes:
- Genetic testing: Expanded carrier screening for 200-300 conditions, karyotype analysis
- Infectious disease testing: HIV, hepatitis B and C, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, CMV, and others
- Semen analysis: Motility, morphology, concentration — samples that don't meet quality thresholds aren't used
- Medical and family history: Multiple generations, collected via detailed intake forms
- Physical exam and general health assessment
Major U.S. sperm banks include Fairfax Cryobank, California Cryobank, Seattle Sperm Bank, Midwest Sperm Bank, and Xytex. Each has different inventory, different pricing, and different donor profile formats. It's worth searching across banks rather than committing to one.
What's In a Donor Profile
Donor profiles vary by bank but typically include:
- Basic physical characteristics: height, weight, eye color, hair color and texture, skin tone, blood type
- Education level and field of study
- Occupation
- Medical and family history (multi-generational)
- Staff impressions or "personality notes"
- Childhood photos (usually available for an additional fee)
- Audio interviews (increasingly common)
- Essay questions: "describe yourself," "what are your hobbies," "what do you hope to pass on?"
- Genetic screening results
Some banks also offer "donor sibling" registries — information about how many families have used a particular donor, and optionally, connection with half-siblings for your child as they grow.
What Actually Matters (And What Doesn't)
Things That Meaningfully Matter
Genetic screening results: This is the most objectively important filter. Look specifically at the expanded carrier screening. Some conditions are autosomal recessive — meaning a child only develops the condition if they inherit a gene variant from both parents. If a donor is a carrier for a condition you're also a carrier for, your child has a 25% chance of being affected. Review the genetic screening report carefully, and if you've had your own genetic testing done, match results.
Medical and family history: Look for patterns over multiple generations, not just first-degree relatives. Repeated early cancer, multiple cardiovascular events, early-onset neurological conditions — these are worth discussing with your doctor.
CMV status: Cytomegalovirus (CMV) is a common, usually benign virus. If you're CMV negative, using a CMV-positive donor carries a small risk. This matters more if you're CMV negative; your clinic can advise you.
Donor openness: Decide how you want to handle the question of your child knowing their donor's identity. Open-ID or identity-release donors have agreed to be contactable by any offspring who requests contact after age 18. Anonymous donors have not. Many donor-conceived adults — and a significant body of research on their wellbeing — support the value of identity openness. This is worth thinking through before you select a donor, not after.
Things That Matter Somewhat
Physical characteristics: It's natural to have preferences, and there's nothing wrong with them. That said, many women report that characteristics they thought were important mattered less over time, and that the connection they felt to a donor's "essence" (from essays, audio interviews, staff notes) mattered more than they expected.
Education and career: These are imperfect proxies. A high-achieving career could indicate many things; a donor who describes their love for music and their grandmother with unusual warmth might tell you more.
Things That Probably Don't Matter as Much as You Think
How closely he resembles your imagined ideal partner: The donor is not your partner. Many women make a cleaner decision when they deliberately separate "who would I want to be in a relationship with" from "what genetic contribution do I want for my child."
The celebrity he's been compared to: Some banks list celebrity look-alike comparisons. Treat this as entertainment.
Choosing someone who "feels like" your type: This is more emotionally complex than it sounds. Some women feel strongly that they want a donor who feels like someone they'd have chosen. Others find it clarifying to lean into the fact that this is a different kind of choice entirely.
The Practical Mechanics
How Many Vials to Buy
The standard recommendation is to buy more vials than you think you'll need, upfront, from the same lot. Donors cycle in and out of availability; if your donor is retired by the time you need a second attempt or a second child, having vials in storage protects you.
For IUI: most women need 1 vial per cycle; budget for 3-6 attempts. For IVF: 1-2 vials per retrieval cycle. If you want a sibling with the same donor: additional vials for future use.
Vials run $600–$1,200 each, depending on preparation type (IUI-ready "washed" sperm is more expensive than raw). Storage at your clinic or a sperm bank runs $500–$800/year.
Donor Sibling Networks
Consider whether you want connection with donor siblings — children born to other families from the same donor. Many donor-conceived children report that these connections are meaningful. The Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) is the primary platform for this. Decide early whether you'll register; it makes the connection easier when your child is old enough to be curious.
Talking to Your Child
Research on donor-conceived individuals overwhelmingly supports early, age-appropriate disclosure. Children who learn of their donor conception early (from toddlerhood, woven into the family story) typically have better outcomes than those who learn in adolescence or adulthood — particularly when they feel their parents are comfortable with the topic.
You don't have to have all the answers before your child asks questions. You need a foundation of openness, a general story, and the willingness to grow the conversation as they do.
How to Know When You've Found Your Donor
Women describe this decision in different ways. Some describe a rational checklist narrowed to a finalist, then something that felt right. Some describe reading an essay and feeling something shift. Some describe going back to one profile repeatedly until they stopped questioning it.
What most women agree on: you know not by certainty, but by peace. The right choice isn't the one that answers every question. It's the one you can commit to and stop second-guessing.
Trust the process. Trust the care you're bringing to it. The love you're already putting into this decision is already part of who your child will be.
For the full financial picture of solo parenthood, including conception costs, see The Real Cost of Having a Baby Solo. And for the emotional journey of this decision, Choosing Solo Motherhood at 38 covers what no financial guide can.
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